I have a tendency to look for myself in others, meaning I sculpt my worldview through my interactions with others. For someone as introverted as I am, I enjoy the idea of people. I’ve been in groups of people of supposedly like-minded people of similar temperament but each time I always feel so alien. I feel out of place. It starts with annoyance and grows to outright disgruntled dislike. No matter the group, be it in real life or online, every group I’ve tried has ended up a disaster. I’m starting to fear the common denominator is me. :(
The more I try to feel “togetherness” with other people, the more alone and unwanted I feel.
I don’t know if there’s anything quite as annoying as someone trying to correct you or debate you about things you live and know, that are empirically supported, and that are generally agreed upon by the people most closely involved. Like, can you not interject your own personal bias, the oh-so sacred “opinion”, when we’re trying to get actual conversation started?
I have a cousin who is a mix of New Black, Ankh Nixxa, and conspiracy theorist. He says he’s Muslim but out here reading Dianetics. I dunno, man. Sometimes we’re on the same wavelength but most of the time I wanna be like, “Nixxa, what?!”
I am really shy, borderline asocial, and not too fond of people in general but I still wish I had more friends irl. The small group I have is unable to hang out tonight and I’m majorly bummed about it.
Wonder what it feels like to be someone’s number one…?
Everybody boo’d up or married with kid(s) and I’m over here like…
The truth is, this constant melancholy… this unceasing war being waged within my heart and head… it will have but one of two outcomes.
I will either rise like the fucking phoenix and slay every opposer or opressor in my path or I will crash and burn and cease to exist.
Only one will win. Fight or flight. Sink or swim. I either live or die trying.
If you’ve ever used “selfish” to describe a suicide victim, politely stay the fuck away from me forever.